Over and Over

Not sure what to say or do.
Still obsessing over you.
Sleep won't come, no appetite,
no more feelings of delight.
Why do I feel like we're done,
when we have not yet begun?
We barely talk, nothing to share,
both our hearts are cold and bare.
I do not feel I'm the one,
that you love, our time is done.
Would have loved you all my days,
with you, wanted to laugh and play.
But I guess that will not be,
I am too full of suffering.
My heart, broken before we met,
I can't be fixed, already set.
On depression grim and deep,
how my eyes so often weep.
And so I slowly fade away,
until the not so distant day,
when we end this tragic play.

Out of Love

Falling out of love,
a lot like falling in.
Quiet desperation,
soul worn oh so thin.
Restless nights,
one sided fights,
battles you cant win.
Don't what to say,
or what to do,
only acting,
like a fool.
Such perilous parallels.
Life is too short,
to worry about anything.
Gone as dust in the wind.
No matter what we do,
we can never win.
Destiny is a farce.
A sham.
A cruel lie built to deceive.
Life is what we make it.
And I have made mine.
Made it tragedy.
Made it pain.
Made it sorrow.
Made it nothing.
And yet,
I still don't care.
Can't eat,
can't sleep,
can't read,
can't write.
I can do nothing
but let,
this slow life wane.

Sad Morning

Once again I think of you,

As I wake and always do,

But I only sit and stew,

Feeling lonely sad and blue.

I just don’t know what to do,

I can’t even talk to you,

No good morning or I love you.

Words we share not even few.

I try to banish my love

Calling out to God above,

But it will not go away

I guess it is here to stay.

Why do I still even care,

When I know you won’t be there,

Already laid my heart bare,

Covered now with bleeding tears.

But I know it’s my own fault,

Being lost in blackest dark,

Did not consider your heart,

Barely let our love even start.

Could not take my own advice,

To be patient kind and nice,

Now I must pay horrid price,

I have chased her far now thrice!

I just can’t even feel right,

What has happened to my might?

For a week I was so bright,

Now I weep sad and contrite.

Just could not leave you alone

Now I gnash my teeth and moan

Writhe and cry with feeble groans

Heart and soul so very prone

I can’t write this anymore,

My soul is so very torn,

And I feel far too forlorn,

Our love I will always mourn.

Said you Loved me

Said you loved me, you were scared.

Bottled feelings rarely shared.

Tried to help and tried too hard.

We could not go very far.

Said that you would help forever

Even though we’re not together

But you left me all alone,

Never caring for my moans.

Should have known that love could die,

But at least you really tried.

I’m a talker you are not,

So you just leave me to rot.

Tried to show how much I loved,

But I guess I really shoved.

Swallowed demons by the legions

Each and ev’ry place and region.

Howled for you so very hard,

Played the poet and the bard.

Now you hate me and I weep

As my blood begins to seep

From my eyes and from my soul

Lay me down inside my hole.

Chased my mate so far away,

Never had the chance to play.

No more hope for love have I

All that I can do is cry.

I guess I am just insane,

My visions are really lame.

Guess my brain is sick and frail

Since I hear the spirits’ wails.

Who can love a crazy man

With no ambition or plans?

Never want another mate

All they ever do is hate.

But I must always reveal

All the things I think are real.

Love's Keening Wail of Death

Oh please, oh no, say it is not so!

My love has now told me to go.

Said to me with heart of stone:

“Show your face to me no more

And just leave me the hell alone!

You are dark as earthen loam!

Never shall you bring me home!

Your mouth it froths with rabid foam!”

How can I learn to stow this woe

Which permeates my very soul?

Now I wander to and fro

Fighting my eternal foe

With no spear nor knife nor bow,

Only pain ‘pon me bestowed.

Love for me shall never grow,

A pleasure I shall never know,

Death for me comes far too slow.

Let my eyes be picked by crows.

God I beg thee take me home,

Or let me fall so far below,

For I no longer wish to roam.

Turn the last page of my tome

As I kneel before your throne

Let me keen my final tone

All this to thee I do bemoan.

Undeserving

I am a putrid cesspool of depression and despair.
Let me dwell in the dark plane,
curled in a ball atop my wall.
I am forgotten existence,
a well of nothingness.
Never remaining happy,
a lost child,
heart, mind, and soul.
A pillar of gibbering insanity,
let me finish my work.
I will write,
until my final word flows,
upon the parchment of my demise.
All the things I used to enjoy,
faded from my id.
The super ego writhing in its death throws.
I am undeserving of love.

Tired Despair

I just want to lay down and cry,

and yet I really don't know why.

All I want to do is fly,

far away after I die.

Things are going so awry,

my mind feels like its finally fried.

Will I make it to July?

That is something I can't descry.

Feels like I am being ignored

as I sit here so sad and bored

and think that I might be abhorred

by the ones I so adore.

Sadness now is my award,

misery my one accord.

Will I ever be restored?

Or will I fall upon my sword?

I wish that I didn't care

for my heart it is stripped so bare.

I run my fingers through my hair

as I lay here and despair.

My life is a short opere

that ends with eulogistic prayer.

Can I even be repaired?

I doubt it, I am too impaired.

I guess it is all a game,

one that is so long and lame.

One without a single aim,

except for misery and pain.

So I'll just sit here and complain

for on myself lies all the blame.

What can I ever reclaim?

Nothing, just what I became.

What To Do?

I don't know what to do,

or how to do it.

Lost. wandering, forever

seeking a home I will never find.

Can't rise from the pit of despair

that I cast myself inside.

There is no hope for me,

not any longer.

My will is sapped,

a shambling zombie.

So very tired.

Now I lay me.

down to sleep,

I hope the dawn,

I do not see.

Feeling So Cold

I am less than nothing.

Not even a worm.

Done with any wanting.

Always cold, not warm.

I will be forgotten.

Not even a trace.

My soul is dark and rotten.

Oblivion my place.

No longer like living.

I am the undead.

Unworthy of forgiving,

Deep cold earth my bed.

Should have died at birth,

really wish i had,

I've no time for mirth,

with numbness I am clad.

Neither sad nor happy.

And not in between.

Epitome of crappy,

I'm but a latrine.

Just forget about me.

Not worthy of your time.

At least you can now be free,

as long as you aren't mine.

My mind is just  a desert,

frozen arctic ice.

With disaster I flirt,

I want no advice.

Please just someone kill me,

please just let me die.

This is my one last plea,

I beg you to comply.

Bringing Me Down

I'm bringing me down and that's bringing me down.

I do not know anything else.

I wear a shattered bleeding crown,

I just can't help myself.

Spiraling into my hell,

I'm ringing out the broken bells,

no one else can even tell,

the depths of fear that I here quell.

Suddenly I feel like fleeing

from myself and all my bleating,

oh this horrid sinking feeling,

like something upon me feeding.

Something evil and malignant,

but I know its but a figment.

I am just so damned indignant,

plus my brain's damaged equipment.

I am trapped within this world

my sails to never be unfurled.

Through this orbit I am hurled,

in fetal position curled.

I let down all those I love,

and they'd be wise to be rid of

this tainted crazy mutant dove,

far from them me yes they should shove.

So now I ruin everything

that was supposed to make me sing.

Addicted to my suffering

and all the trauma that it brings.

Unstarted Unfinished

This isn't going to work, is it.

Feed me platitudes.

The pretty lies that make us weep.

Forever unfinished, for we never started.

You obviously are not very interested in me.

That's how I feel, I can't deny it.

Nor will I try to any longer.

Always knew love was a myth.

Why do I even bother to seek it?

Its as if I try to catch God in my hand.

You are always there, talking to someone.

But I, get to hang in limbo.

Not that I blame you of course.

There's nothing to talk about.

Not with me at least.

I won't play head games.

Don't play hard to get.

It is a useless ploy on me.

At least you are able to love again.

Heart of Ice

I can't sleep and I can't eat,

can barely even feel my feet.

I tongue my broken shattered teeth,

what happened to my belief.

Never meant to feel this way

but now it seems it's here to stay.

Locked within these cold hard veins,

from my cage never to stray.

I will be forever more,

trapped behind sorrows stout door.

I am frozen to the core,

with an icy frigid hoar.

Cover me with ice and cold,

rot my guts with arctic mold,

empty now my once full hold,

I am drifting uncontrolled.

Come aboard my ghastly ship,

and from my cup of sorrows sip.

Kiss my bleeding frozen lips,

from my chest my heart please rip.

Deep within this permafrost,

I am so happily lost.

On the sea of torment tossed,

on my heart, despair embossed.

Joy and hope and light and love,

far from me I'll have them shoved.

These are not things I am of,

what a sad pathetic rub.

I will molder here alone,

belting out with dreary drone,

metered with misery's moan,

such a sad and haunting tone.

Meaning What?

I don't mean to sound contrived

but I don't want to be alive.

Into death to take a dive

so deep that I do not survive.

Set me free from mortal chore

for life is such a horrid bore.

I just don't like it anymore

and want to walk the golden shore.

Each day is harder than the last

one that has come and now is past.

Untie me now from the mast

for misery is unsurpassed.

Every second getting closer

to the day I am no more sir.

Thought I could be a composer

but I was only a poser.

I wish tonight I could have slept

so death my life could intercept.

In my rest upon me crept

so dawn from my eyes was kept.

I think I should end my life

with pills or jump or  steely knife.

I'm just tired of the strife

the tragedy and pain so rife.

I am going to sleep now

and hope and pray and plead somehow.

That the gods do not allow

mine eyes to open on my brow.

Thought at first that love could save me

from my head so weak and hazy.

Now it seems a thought so crazy

for thoughts of hope were far too hasty.

And I know that somebody

will show her these words that I bleed.

Then she'll run farther from me

and her face I will never see.

Wish we could have had a chance

besides this long distance romance.

I am lost within my trance

and now within my mind we dance.

I love you so very much

that I know I am just a crutch.

My love for you now is such

that I won't taint you with my touch.

One day you will forget me

it won't be very hard you see.

At least then you will be free

from my epic tragedy.

Whyning Plea

I am not worthy of your time.

Not worth more than a "hey" or 'hi".

Not worth a goodnight reply.

Do you want to say goodbye?

You say that you don't ignore me,

but that's exactly how it seems!

Now the heartache starts to team,

and I unravel at my seams.

If you want to let me go,

then PLEASE just hurry up and do so!

I already feel so low,

what's more pain for me to sow?

 Do not waste your time on me,

I am only misery,

In time I guess you will see,

and then you'll want to be set free.

Do You Even Know?

I don't think you know how much
this silence hurts, my heart I clutch.

This, may finally see me dead!
For I, am nearly fully bled.

Beating organ, broken down,
as I wail, pitiful sound.
You are here, but not around,
all in time, I will expound.

I have called to you for help,
with my little wolfy yelp.
Yet I'm too far back, on the shelf,
and I no longer want myself.

Don't think I can last much longer.
Your will must be so much stronger,
Than what little I have left,
Stashed within my feeble cleft.
A month or two, and not much more.
then I'll be free of the chore.
This life is a horrid bore
that I no longer have strength for.