Drowning

And I don't know why I still love you.
I don't know why I even care.
I don't know why I'm still thinking of you,
when I know you'll never be there.
I swear, I swear.
In my heart,
In my mind,
I am drowning all the time.
Just can't see the light.
I don't know,
what to do.
Still broken over you,
broken over you.

Early Gibbering

Feel them gibber in my mind,

Barely taking any time,

Punishment for prideful crimes,

Try to fight them off with rhymes.

“Help me Lord I beg you please!”

I drop praying on my knees,

Seeking just some sweet release,

From the evil ones that tease.

Go away! Leave me alone!

Take away this haunting  drone!

I no longer want to moan,

Why must I feel so alone!

You already took all I had!

Already I’ve been driven mad!

What else can you take from me?

My life is only tragedy!

You took what is most precious to me,

my mind was all I had you see!

Reduced me only to debris!

Took from me my jubilee!

I am still a detainee,

Why can’t you just let me be!

Banish them Lord, I decree.

Shade me under your fig tree,

Give me honey from the bee

Bathe me in the holy sea.

Love's Keening Wail of Death

Oh please, oh no, say it is not so!

My love has now told me to go.

Said to me with heart of stone:

“Show your face to me no more

And just leave me the hell alone!

You are dark as earthen loam!

Never shall you bring me home!

Your mouth it froths with rabid foam!”

How can I learn to stow this woe

Which permeates my very soul?

Now I wander to and fro

Fighting my eternal foe

With no spear nor knife nor bow,

Only pain ‘pon me bestowed.

Love for me shall never grow,

A pleasure I shall never know,

Death for me comes far too slow.

Let my eyes be picked by crows.

God I beg thee take me home,

Or let me fall so far below,

For I no longer wish to roam.

Turn the last page of my tome

As I kneel before your throne

Let me keen my final tone

All this to thee I do bemoan.

Undeserving

I am a putrid cesspool of depression and despair.
Let me dwell in the dark plane,
curled in a ball atop my wall.
I am forgotten existence,
a well of nothingness.
Never remaining happy,
a lost child,
heart, mind, and soul.
A pillar of gibbering insanity,
let me finish my work.
I will write,
until my final word flows,
upon the parchment of my demise.
All the things I used to enjoy,
faded from my id.
The super ego writhing in its death throws.
I am undeserving of love.

Hum Drum

There is so much to do.

Yet I can do none of it.

I can barely keep my eyes open,

or keep my face lifted.

I slept until late afternoon today.

And all I want to do,

is go back to bed.

Pain only increases,

body and soul.

My heart is weak,

my head is in agony,

and my lungs strain for breath.

The will to live barely clings.

Stubbornly hanging to a few threads.

At times I wake up,

and wish I hadn't.

So I sit here in abject boredom.

For nothing relieves my emptiness.

I am a hollow being wrought of misery.

Tired Despair

I just want to lay down and cry,

and yet I really don't know why.

All I want to do is fly,

far away after I die.

Things are going so awry,

my mind feels like its finally fried.

Will I make it to July?

That is something I can't descry.

Feels like I am being ignored

as I sit here so sad and bored

and think that I might be abhorred

by the ones I so adore.

Sadness now is my award,

misery my one accord.

Will I ever be restored?

Or will I fall upon my sword?

I wish that I didn't care

for my heart it is stripped so bare.

I run my fingers through my hair

as I lay here and despair.

My life is a short opere

that ends with eulogistic prayer.

Can I even be repaired?

I doubt it, I am too impaired.

I guess it is all a game,

one that is so long and lame.

One without a single aim,

except for misery and pain.

So I'll just sit here and complain

for on myself lies all the blame.

What can I ever reclaim?

Nothing, just what I became.

This Slow Death

I'm dying.

How long will it take?

This slow death wears upon me.

I know, I am on my way.

I eat like a bird,

yet I possess no hunger.

Not even a drop of desire,

to let food pass my lips.

Maybe that is why I am so tired?

But how can I eat?

The very thought of it makes me want to vomit.

Sleep, is the only thing I want.

The only thing I can seem to do.

My chest is tight,

and my thoughts are dim.

If its coming, let it come sooner than later.

What to Say

I do not know what to say,

I wish it all would go away.

Me, a broken jar of clay,

boring, hopeless, tragic play.

I am full of deep dismay,

sadness is all I convey,

nothing good do I display,

slowly here I do decay.

Lost here now within the fray,

wow these words are so cliche.

Life for me is grim and gray,

hope I don't wake to see the day.

What To Do?

I don't know what to do,

or how to do it.

Lost. wandering, forever

seeking a home I will never find.

Can't rise from the pit of despair

that I cast myself inside.

There is no hope for me,

not any longer.

My will is sapped,

a shambling zombie.

So very tired.

Now I lay me.

down to sleep,

I hope the dawn,

I do not see.

Feeling So Cold

I am less than nothing.

Not even a worm.

Done with any wanting.

Always cold, not warm.

I will be forgotten.

Not even a trace.

My soul is dark and rotten.

Oblivion my place.

No longer like living.

I am the undead.

Unworthy of forgiving,

Deep cold earth my bed.

Should have died at birth,

really wish i had,

I've no time for mirth,

with numbness I am clad.

Neither sad nor happy.

And not in between.

Epitome of crappy,

I'm but a latrine.

Just forget about me.

Not worthy of your time.

At least you can now be free,

as long as you aren't mine.

My mind is just  a desert,

frozen arctic ice.

With disaster I flirt,

I want no advice.

Please just someone kill me,

please just let me die.

This is my one last plea,

I beg you to comply.

Bringing Me Down

I'm bringing me down and that's bringing me down.

I do not know anything else.

I wear a shattered bleeding crown,

I just can't help myself.

Spiraling into my hell,

I'm ringing out the broken bells,

no one else can even tell,

the depths of fear that I here quell.

Suddenly I feel like fleeing

from myself and all my bleating,

oh this horrid sinking feeling,

like something upon me feeding.

Something evil and malignant,

but I know its but a figment.

I am just so damned indignant,

plus my brain's damaged equipment.

I am trapped within this world

my sails to never be unfurled.

Through this orbit I am hurled,

in fetal position curled.

I let down all those I love,

and they'd be wise to be rid of

this tainted crazy mutant dove,

far from them me yes they should shove.

So now I ruin everything

that was supposed to make me sing.

Addicted to my suffering

and all the trauma that it brings.

Happiness^-1

Nothing that I ever do

can seem to help me break right through

the walls I've built with my issues,

I think my brain might need a coup.

I am lost within myself

and no one else can seem to help.

I am but a wailing whelp

crying out with painful yelp.

Always feeling so abandoned,

mired, lost, forgotten, stranded,

with despair my heart is branded,

need to have my head examined.

Constantly feel sad and tired,

misery all I've acquired,

lost all that I have desired,

my own mind I've not deciphered.

Yet More Emo Garbage

I am lost within my misery.

Eyes so dim that I can barely see.

Not sure what to do to be set free.

So tired of trying to be me.

Ready to give up the fight

I have lost most of my might

Body taunt, chest tight

fallen from the highest height.

Can't, eat, nor, sleep,

these, eyes, won't, weep

laying, silent, in a, heap,

upon me my death does creep.

Go away leave me alone,

let me suffer, wail, and moan,

for-ev-er more I am prone,

lost my universal tone.

Just, let, me, die,

I don't even want to try,

Won't, say, good, bye,

for, me, don't, cry.

I, am, so, cold

in and out, you have been told,

lungs, full, of, mold,

oh I feel so very old.

run, while, you, can,

I am just a shell of man.

see, my, gnarled, hands,

I can barely walk or stand.

I'm, the, one, whom

is filled to the brim with gloom.

I'm, my, 0wn, doom,

locked within my tired tomb.

Hate, this, wretched, life,

it is only pain and strife.

Bring, on, the, scythe,

death will be a welcome sight.

Heart of Ice

I can't sleep and I can't eat,

can barely even feel my feet.

I tongue my broken shattered teeth,

what happened to my belief.

Never meant to feel this way

but now it seems it's here to stay.

Locked within these cold hard veins,

from my cage never to stray.

I will be forever more,

trapped behind sorrows stout door.

I am frozen to the core,

with an icy frigid hoar.

Cover me with ice and cold,

rot my guts with arctic mold,

empty now my once full hold,

I am drifting uncontrolled.

Come aboard my ghastly ship,

and from my cup of sorrows sip.

Kiss my bleeding frozen lips,

from my chest my heart please rip.

Deep within this permafrost,

I am so happily lost.

On the sea of torment tossed,

on my heart, despair embossed.

Joy and hope and light and love,

far from me I'll have them shoved.

These are not things I am of,

what a sad pathetic rub.

I will molder here alone,

belting out with dreary drone,

metered with misery's moan,

such a sad and haunting tone.

Meaning What?

I don't mean to sound contrived

but I don't want to be alive.

Into death to take a dive

so deep that I do not survive.

Set me free from mortal chore

for life is such a horrid bore.

I just don't like it anymore

and want to walk the golden shore.

Each day is harder than the last

one that has come and now is past.

Untie me now from the mast

for misery is unsurpassed.

Every second getting closer

to the day I am no more sir.

Thought I could be a composer

but I was only a poser.

I wish tonight I could have slept

so death my life could intercept.

In my rest upon me crept

so dawn from my eyes was kept.

I think I should end my life

with pills or jump or  steely knife.

I'm just tired of the strife

the tragedy and pain so rife.

I am going to sleep now

and hope and pray and plead somehow.

That the gods do not allow

mine eyes to open on my brow.

Thought at first that love could save me

from my head so weak and hazy.

Now it seems a thought so crazy

for thoughts of hope were far too hasty.

And I know that somebody

will show her these words that I bleed.

Then she'll run farther from me

and her face I will never see.

Wish we could have had a chance

besides this long distance romance.

I am lost within my trance

and now within my mind we dance.

I love you so very much

that I know I am just a crutch.

My love for you now is such

that I won't taint you with my touch.

One day you will forget me

it won't be very hard you see.

At least then you will be free

from my epic tragedy.

:O AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

My thought processes are busted,

swatches of my mind rusted,

so maladjusted I'm disgusted,

with myself, above all else,

this shell, locked in a hellish cell,

with a keening knell I can not dispel!

I must attest, that my mind is a gibbering mess,

I lust for rest, it's high time to end this bantering stress!

I need to be free of this anxiety before it kills me you see!

Already on my knees, as I plead, for release, surrounded, by my own debris!

Too many pieces are missing.

I'm pissing away all my time!

I can feel everything slipping,

dripping right out of my mind!

Here I am writhing and twisting,

wishing I wasn't confined!

Who tell me who is still listening?

I'm listing here on my side!

My head, will not stay still!

I'm filled, with dreadful trills.

So shrill, I'm feeling so ill,

gonna spill, my guts....

I''m going nuts!

A mental klutz!

If life's a joke, then I'm the butt.

Steel

Steel myself, for the worst,

still I know that it will hurt.

My heart is already broken,

From the words that lie unspoken.

Stumbling through a freezing blizzard,

barren lands frozen and withered,

hoping I will be delivered,

as I trudge so weak and shivered.

Arctic desert, hear its chime,

stretching till the dawn of time,

just a sliver of the rind,

of which lies inside  my mind.

Sheath my heart, metallic ice,

blanket it, much more than thrice,

numbness can, feel mighty nice,

when it is, your own device.

Force myself, to just not care,

about what will, or will not bear,

fruit praiseworthy, of its share.

Without trees, the orchard's bare.

Iron, copper, in my blood,

I can taste it, on my tongue,

I am golem, I am mud,

Irony, of atoms strung.

Ever looming constant battle,

tenuous defense from babble,

tempestuously tinny rattle,

tempest tossed, I try to grapple

with the thoughts within my head,

that so mal ig nan tly sperad.

"Think of other things instead"?

I TRY! But all I hear is DREAD!

Smoke another cigarette,

yoke up with some more regret,

frantically fight not to fret,

and lose, as I break out in sweat.

So I'll mire here alone,

whispering my haunting tone,

blowing on with dreary drone,

only reaping what I've sown.

Whyning Plea

I am not worthy of your time.

Not worth more than a "hey" or 'hi".

Not worth a goodnight reply.

Do you want to say goodbye?

You say that you don't ignore me,

but that's exactly how it seems!

Now the heartache starts to team,

and I unravel at my seams.

If you want to let me go,

then PLEASE just hurry up and do so!

I already feel so low,

what's more pain for me to sow?

 Do not waste your time on me,

I am only misery,

In time I guess you will see,

and then you'll want to be set free.

Do You Even Know?

I don't think you know how much
this silence hurts, my heart I clutch.

This, may finally see me dead!
For I, am nearly fully bled.

Beating organ, broken down,
as I wail, pitiful sound.
You are here, but not around,
all in time, I will expound.

I have called to you for help,
with my little wolfy yelp.
Yet I'm too far back, on the shelf,
and I no longer want myself.

Don't think I can last much longer.
Your will must be so much stronger,
Than what little I have left,
Stashed within my feeble cleft.
A month or two, and not much more.
then I'll be free of the chore.
This life is a horrid bore
that I no longer have strength for.