Don't Care

It's hard to care anymore.
Life has become such a bore.
Only a sad haunting chore.
One I begin to abhor.

 Last night when I layed abed.
I wished I would wake up dead.
So long for death have I pled.
Can't get it out of my head.

Not sure how long I'll hold on.
Already feel like I am gone.
Nothing to rely upon.
Don't want to see the next dawn.

I am just, ready to die.
No longer a reason to try.
Everything is so awry.
Just let me soar to the sky.

At the end of my decline.
Oh how I want to resign.
New life or darkness is fine.
Or sleeping for all of time.

I can't stand to be awake.
I am but a big mistake.
Nothing can soothe this deep ache.
It is already too late.

My Self

If I can't seem to love myself
then how can I love someone else?
How could anyone love me
and set my shattered pieces free?

Everything will fall apart
because i can't control my heart.
I will chase you far away
and far from me you'll always stay.

How can I shackle you to this
fetid hole that's my abyss?
I just don't deserve you, dear,
this is what I truly fear.

Too much attention do I need,
upon your love I want to feed.
I'm emotional vampire,
stake my heart, set me on fire.

I desire you so much'
but feel like I am just a crutch.
Just by being me, I hurt you,
and that makes me feel so blue.

Loveamorphisis

Good morning my love,
oh I hope you slept well!
I confess I did not sleep at all.
I have been musing not snoozing you see,
and driving myself up the wall.

I am addicted, sublimely afflicted,
to you more than anything else.
I try not to think about you all the time,
but I just can not help myself.

This beautiful pain that I feel is so real
and it cuts to my core like a blade.
Sometimes it might take incisions to heal,
but this flame inside me never fades.

I've never felt exactly like this,
it defies all attempts to define.
But I admit, above all it is bliss,
and within me it's tightly entwined.

Please have a great day, and I will as well,
the sun will soon shine warm above.
Something so sweet deep inside of me swells,
metamorphosed by this love.

Fail

I'm surrounded by abject failure.
Leeches, gnawing at my sides,
eager to drain the last drop
of blood from my veins.
I am weak, gullible, a fool's fool.
Given so much of myself,
there is nothing left
but an empty husk
shaking in the wind.

Displeasure of the Flesh

I want to feel joy.

Yet, I fail at forcing it to the surface.

I am a stranger to myself.

The only thing I really know,

Is that I am.

My heart, 

is full of anger, rage, and despair.

They are buried deep inside

A pit with walls of loneliness and sorrow. 

Always seeking yet never finding.

Eternally here, and never there.

I am slowly killed by earthly toxins,

dis-pleasures, of the flesh.

Life is short, and I am thankful.

Death of the Lion

Normally, he would be here.

Supping with the rest of the pride.

Joyously filling his belly.

Now my eyes are full of tears,

For in the cold earth, lies his hide.

oh my poor beautiful baby.

This is the first night, in so many years.

The sorrow washes like a tide.

And I just try to hold steady.

His roar was a mewl of the sweetest affection.

Noble, pure, and innocent.

And with never a hint of any indignation.

He was the happiest when he could sit in my lap.

Purring so contentedly.

He would arch his back and mew in his own special way.

His name was Leon. But I called him Leo, Lion.

Another King among cats.

I love him so very much, oh how I will miss him.

Hum Drum

There is so much to do.

Yet I can do none of it.

I can barely keep my eyes open,

or keep my face lifted.

I slept until late afternoon today.

And all I want to do,

is go back to bed.

Pain only increases,

body and soul.

My heart is weak,

my head is in agony,

and my lungs strain for breath.

The will to live barely clings.

Stubbornly hanging to a few threads.

At times I wake up,

and wish I hadn't.

So I sit here in abject boredom.

For nothing relieves my emptiness.

I am a hollow being wrought of misery.

Tired Despair

I just want to lay down and cry,

and yet I really don't know why.

All I want to do is fly,

far away after I die.

Things are going so awry,

my mind feels like its finally fried.

Will I make it to July?

That is something I can't descry.

Feels like I am being ignored

as I sit here so sad and bored

and think that I might be abhorred

by the ones I so adore.

Sadness now is my award,

misery my one accord.

Will I ever be restored?

Or will I fall upon my sword?

I wish that I didn't care

for my heart it is stripped so bare.

I run my fingers through my hair

as I lay here and despair.

My life is a short opere

that ends with eulogistic prayer.

Can I even be repaired?

I doubt it, I am too impaired.

I guess it is all a game,

one that is so long and lame.

One without a single aim,

except for misery and pain.

So I'll just sit here and complain

for on myself lies all the blame.

What can I ever reclaim?

Nothing, just what I became.

This Slow Death

I'm dying.

How long will it take?

This slow death wears upon me.

I know, I am on my way.

I eat like a bird,

yet I possess no hunger.

Not even a drop of desire,

to let food pass my lips.

Maybe that is why I am so tired?

But how can I eat?

The very thought of it makes me want to vomit.

Sleep, is the only thing I want.

The only thing I can seem to do.

My chest is tight,

and my thoughts are dim.

If its coming, let it come sooner than later.

Consuming Love

How can I begin to explain,

these feelings in my soul.

To define without refrain,
without seeming so droll.

I yearn for you, I burn for you,
more than I even know.
Can barely put it into words,
but still I long to show.

I'm addicted, afflicted,
away from you, restricted.
Feel like a, love sick kid,
I'm yours, I'm convicted.
All tied up, and twisted,
Just as I, predicted.

And my desire for you is a fire growing ever higher,
it will never start to fade nor will it ever cease or tire.
I would walk a million miles through the murkiest of mires,
Marching midst the deepest briers just to try and see you smile.

Every day, I stay away, I start to sway, a little more.
In a way, well you could say, this fray that I, call life's a bore.
So I pray, with howling brays, oh please allay, this maze, this chore.
Traipse with me through ocean waves and lay with me upon the shore.

We don't have very long to live, well, nor does any one.
The most important day in life is but the one you're on.
One day we won't wake and find that all the days are gone.
Life itself is something that does not last very long.
I need to be close to you, to your story and your song..
I just want to be with you before we sound our gongs.

What to Say

I do not know what to say,

I wish it all would go away.

Me, a broken jar of clay,

boring, hopeless, tragic play.

I am full of deep dismay,

sadness is all I convey,

nothing good do I display,

slowly here I do decay.

Lost here now within the fray,

wow these words are so cliche.

Life for me is grim and gray,

hope I don't wake to see the day.

What To Do?

I don't know what to do,

or how to do it.

Lost. wandering, forever

seeking a home I will never find.

Can't rise from the pit of despair

that I cast myself inside.

There is no hope for me,

not any longer.

My will is sapped,

a shambling zombie.

So very tired.

Now I lay me.

down to sleep,

I hope the dawn,

I do not see.

Feeling So Cold

I am less than nothing.

Not even a worm.

Done with any wanting.

Always cold, not warm.

I will be forgotten.

Not even a trace.

My soul is dark and rotten.

Oblivion my place.

No longer like living.

I am the undead.

Unworthy of forgiving,

Deep cold earth my bed.

Should have died at birth,

really wish i had,

I've no time for mirth,

with numbness I am clad.

Neither sad nor happy.

And not in between.

Epitome of crappy,

I'm but a latrine.

Just forget about me.

Not worthy of your time.

At least you can now be free,

as long as you aren't mine.

My mind is just  a desert,

frozen arctic ice.

With disaster I flirt,

I want no advice.

Please just someone kill me,

please just let me die.

This is my one last plea,

I beg you to comply.

Bringing Me Down

I'm bringing me down and that's bringing me down.

I do not know anything else.

I wear a shattered bleeding crown,

I just can't help myself.

Spiraling into my hell,

I'm ringing out the broken bells,

no one else can even tell,

the depths of fear that I here quell.

Suddenly I feel like fleeing

from myself and all my bleating,

oh this horrid sinking feeling,

like something upon me feeding.

Something evil and malignant,

but I know its but a figment.

I am just so damned indignant,

plus my brain's damaged equipment.

I am trapped within this world

my sails to never be unfurled.

Through this orbit I am hurled,

in fetal position curled.

I let down all those I love,

and they'd be wise to be rid of

this tainted crazy mutant dove,

far from them me yes they should shove.

So now I ruin everything

that was supposed to make me sing.

Addicted to my suffering

and all the trauma that it brings.

Unstarted Unfinished

This isn't going to work, is it.

Feed me platitudes.

The pretty lies that make us weep.

Forever unfinished, for we never started.

You obviously are not very interested in me.

That's how I feel, I can't deny it.

Nor will I try to any longer.

Always knew love was a myth.

Why do I even bother to seek it?

Its as if I try to catch God in my hand.

You are always there, talking to someone.

But I, get to hang in limbo.

Not that I blame you of course.

There's nothing to talk about.

Not with me at least.

I won't play head games.

Don't play hard to get.

It is a useless ploy on me.

At least you are able to love again.

Happiness^-1

Nothing that I ever do

can seem to help me break right through

the walls I've built with my issues,

I think my brain might need a coup.

I am lost within myself

and no one else can seem to help.

I am but a wailing whelp

crying out with painful yelp.

Always feeling so abandoned,

mired, lost, forgotten, stranded,

with despair my heart is branded,

need to have my head examined.

Constantly feel sad and tired,

misery all I've acquired,

lost all that I have desired,

my own mind I've not deciphered.

My Anxiety

Anxiety is filling me and I just don't know what I need

to do to keep my heart inside my chest.

Now my pulse is hammering and all my words are stammering

it feels like I am stuck inside a test.

All these people yammering and blathering of everything

I really think my mind could use a rest.

 Now I just lay on my bed I'm filling with such awful dread

 I never thought that I could be this stressed.

I can not seem to conceive exactly what is happening

and all I know is i feel quite distressed.

What the hell is wrong with me and why am I here simpering

sometimes I think that I am just possessed.

To Those Who Read

No one else but those who read,

my meager mourning verse,

knows exactly how I bleed

and when I feel the worst.

Total strangers, you and I,

you may never return.

Most they simply pass me by

but some may stay to learn.

Look into my very soul,

see the things I hide.

Watch me curled inside my hole

or when I beam with pride.

Thank you for taking the time

to stop and view my meager rhymes.

Do not be too shy to chime,

in if something's on your mind.

Wind

Snapping, popping, whooshing, gasping, it had roused me with trepidation.
    Creaking, stretching, groaning, popping, I had head as I fully adjusted.
         I thought to my self, "While it sounds like a fire there's no way it
              could truly be! Nothing outside could yield such flames with
                a torrent that now assails me! For rain with the wind it
                  does fall in great volume and it falls with such a din!"
                      The thought it had hit me as hard as itself when I
                        realized where that great sound had truly lain.
                             That great grandfather oak who grew by
                                 My window had succumbed to that
                                  thunderous voice. A tree of such
                                   girth that my arms could never
                                    surround it. The wind twisted
                                      it like a bluebell stem and
                                        mercifully tossed it the
                                          other direction, away
                                           from my family and
                                               I. Oh such force!
                                                  It makes me
                                                     tremble...
                                                       In awe. 

Know This

One day you may wish to know,

why it is I love you so.

I suppose it simply flows,

sewn into my very soul.

You're my love, my hope, my heart.

Love you wholly, not in part.

I have known it, from the start,

never wish, to be apart.

My strength you help me regain,

Something sweet to help sustain,

You are flowing in my veins,

fabulous, frenzied refrain.

I have no right to lament,

since to me, you have been sent,

you help me with my torment,

my madness, help circumvent.

Love me now, and love me then.
I would run to you again.
You remind me, of my zen,
and the things that I do ken.

Teach me, and I will teach you.
Show me things, I never knew.
I just want to be with you.
No matter, what we may do.

From The Ice

Far to the north midst ice and snow,

where the hoary wind does blow,

from the frigid soil grows,

something great, with love aglow.

Pushing up through permafrost,

something once thought to be lost,

something nothing can exhaust,

something with a priceless cost.

I'm proud to have helped it flower,

with gentle rain and sunshine showered.

Built for it a sturdy bower,

over oh so many hours.

And now I simply let it bloom,

freed now from its icy tomb.

I'll try to give it ample room

and fight to keep it free from gloom.

Love^7

Every day I love you more

than I had the day before.

There is so much to adore,

You're the one I was made for.

Long to hold you in my arms,

feel your tender loving charms,

keep you safe and free from harm,

till our new romantic farm.

Gaze into your gorgeous eyes,

show you you're my greatest prize,

make you feel the finest highs

hear your loud passionate cries.

Run my fingers through your hair,

lay my heart before you bare,

let you know how much I care,

make with you a perfect pair.

Say  I love you every day,

with you laugh,  joke, jump, and play,

prove to you I'm here to stay,

cheer you up when skies are gray.

Be the one you always need,

all my love to you I'll feed,

you're expectations exceed,

I know that we can succeed. 

Be your partner and your friend,

any strength you need I'll lend,

to your needs always attend,

one great day with you transcend.

Yet More Emo Garbage

I am lost within my misery.

Eyes so dim that I can barely see.

Not sure what to do to be set free.

So tired of trying to be me.

Ready to give up the fight

I have lost most of my might

Body taunt, chest tight

fallen from the highest height.

Can't, eat, nor, sleep,

these, eyes, won't, weep

laying, silent, in a, heap,

upon me my death does creep.

Go away leave me alone,

let me suffer, wail, and moan,

for-ev-er more I am prone,

lost my universal tone.

Just, let, me, die,

I don't even want to try,

Won't, say, good, bye,

for, me, don't, cry.

I, am, so, cold

in and out, you have been told,

lungs, full, of, mold,

oh I feel so very old.

run, while, you, can,

I am just a shell of man.

see, my, gnarled, hands,

I can barely walk or stand.

I'm, the, one, whom

is filled to the brim with gloom.

I'm, my, 0wn, doom,

locked within my tired tomb.

Hate, this, wretched, life,

it is only pain and strife.

Bring, on, the, scythe,

death will be a welcome sight.

Should I?

Should I blind myself,

with mind numbing nonsense,

as I whittle away the time?

Take a drug to feel sublime,

as I pine, almost senseless?

Get the booze, off the shelf,

drink till I am somebody else?

What else, is there to do?

Maybe I'll sit here an' talk to myself,

since I can't talk, with anyone else.

I'm so listless, I don't miss this!

Something I wish, to just dismiss!

Watching minutes, turn to hours,

forget the last time that I showered.

Trying and Failing

I try so hard at all I do

but that is not enough.

Twelve hour days at work, trudge through,

with only the difficult stuff.

Rarely a break, I do all I can take,

make enough just to barely get by.

My joy and my smile are terribly fake,

and I just want to lay down and cry.

Lonely, fatigued, and so very sore,

in the grand scheme I'm an ant.

Everything to me has become such a bore,

I try to stay happy, but can't.

My resolve, it quickly wears thin,

and soon I'll fall flat on my face.

Should have know that I couldn't win,

since I place last every race.

I wasted my life so I pay the price,

my currency, sorrow, despair.

My head it is trapped in unyielding ice,

and I find that I no longer care.

So I sit here and I think to myself,

"man... why do I even try?"

All that I want is on too high a shelf,

and so I keep reaching, that's why.

Heart of Ice

I can't sleep and I can't eat,

can barely even feel my feet.

I tongue my broken shattered teeth,

what happened to my belief.

Never meant to feel this way

but now it seems it's here to stay.

Locked within these cold hard veins,

from my cage never to stray.

I will be forever more,

trapped behind sorrows stout door.

I am frozen to the core,

with an icy frigid hoar.

Cover me with ice and cold,

rot my guts with arctic mold,

empty now my once full hold,

I am drifting uncontrolled.

Come aboard my ghastly ship,

and from my cup of sorrows sip.

Kiss my bleeding frozen lips,

from my chest my heart please rip.

Deep within this permafrost,

I am so happily lost.

On the sea of torment tossed,

on my heart, despair embossed.

Joy and hope and light and love,

far from me I'll have them shoved.

These are not things I am of,

what a sad pathetic rub.

I will molder here alone,

belting out with dreary drone,

metered with misery's moan,

such a sad and haunting tone.

Meaning What?

I don't mean to sound contrived

but I don't want to be alive.

Into death to take a dive

so deep that I do not survive.

Set me free from mortal chore

for life is such a horrid bore.

I just don't like it anymore

and want to walk the golden shore.

Each day is harder than the last

one that has come and now is past.

Untie me now from the mast

for misery is unsurpassed.

Every second getting closer

to the day I am no more sir.

Thought I could be a composer

but I was only a poser.

I wish tonight I could have slept

so death my life could intercept.

In my rest upon me crept

so dawn from my eyes was kept.

I think I should end my life

with pills or jump or  steely knife.

I'm just tired of the strife

the tragedy and pain so rife.

I am going to sleep now

and hope and pray and plead somehow.

That the gods do not allow

mine eyes to open on my brow.

Thought at first that love could save me

from my head so weak and hazy.

Now it seems a thought so crazy

for thoughts of hope were far too hasty.

And I know that somebody

will show her these words that I bleed.

Then she'll run farther from me

and her face I will never see.

Wish we could have had a chance

besides this long distance romance.

I am lost within my trance

and now within my mind we dance.

I love you so very much

that I know I am just a crutch.

My love for you now is such

that I won't taint you with my touch.

One day you will forget me

it won't be very hard you see.

At least then you will be free

from my epic tragedy.

:O AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

My thought processes are busted,

swatches of my mind rusted,

so maladjusted I'm disgusted,

with myself, above all else,

this shell, locked in a hellish cell,

with a keening knell I can not dispel!

I must attest, that my mind is a gibbering mess,

I lust for rest, it's high time to end this bantering stress!

I need to be free of this anxiety before it kills me you see!

Already on my knees, as I plead, for release, surrounded, by my own debris!

Too many pieces are missing.

I'm pissing away all my time!

I can feel everything slipping,

dripping right out of my mind!

Here I am writhing and twisting,

wishing I wasn't confined!

Who tell me who is still listening?

I'm listing here on my side!

My head, will not stay still!

I'm filled, with dreadful trills.

So shrill, I'm feeling so ill,

gonna spill, my guts....

I''m going nuts!

A mental klutz!

If life's a joke, then I'm the butt.

Steel

Steel myself, for the worst,

still I know that it will hurt.

My heart is already broken,

From the words that lie unspoken.

Stumbling through a freezing blizzard,

barren lands frozen and withered,

hoping I will be delivered,

as I trudge so weak and shivered.

Arctic desert, hear its chime,

stretching till the dawn of time,

just a sliver of the rind,

of which lies inside  my mind.

Sheath my heart, metallic ice,

blanket it, much more than thrice,

numbness can, feel mighty nice,

when it is, your own device.

Force myself, to just not care,

about what will, or will not bear,

fruit praiseworthy, of its share.

Without trees, the orchard's bare.

Iron, copper, in my blood,

I can taste it, on my tongue,

I am golem, I am mud,

Irony, of atoms strung.

Ever looming constant battle,

tenuous defense from babble,

tempestuously tinny rattle,

tempest tossed, I try to grapple

with the thoughts within my head,

that so mal ig nan tly sperad.

"Think of other things instead"?

I TRY! But all I hear is DREAD!

Smoke another cigarette,

yoke up with some more regret,

frantically fight not to fret,

and lose, as I break out in sweat.

So I'll mire here alone,

whispering my haunting tone,

blowing on with dreary drone,

only reaping what I've sown.